Kinder (gulp) garten

These last few weeks have been a blur.

Getting my classroom ready for 25 eager and excited 2nd graders.

Gettting my children used to daycare again. "Are you tired of us Mommy? Have I been bad? Why do we have to be here?" - Owen asked me. I cried the whole way to work.

Soccer practice, Awanas, End of Summer BBQ's, family events, working in my classroom ... you get the idea.

None of those things caused me too much stress though because my thoughts have been consumed by one thing. Caleb starting school.

This little boy of mine. The one who is so smart and loving and yet so hard to love at times. His stubborn nature and emotional outbursts drive me crazy and at times I feel like the only reason I still claim him is because no one else will.

You know that saying ... "When he was good, he was very, very good and when he was bad he was horrid." Well, that's Caleb. Not in the sense that he throws fits or screams and yells or even is openly defiant. He is something else entirely and when he is in a mood - it is all black. I never know how to handle it. I have always been sunny - I don't do black and so I don't even know how to fix him and make the black moods go away. Mark and I have tried everything - ignoring him, spanking him, grounding him from things, and of course praising him for appropriate behavior in a hundred different ways.

I have been dreading Kindergarten because I have wanted him to grow up emotionally so much more. I don't want him to be that kid in class that the teacher dreads having. I don't want him to not be liked by the other kids. I want him to love and enjoy school and show the teacher what a sweet and loving boy he can be.

My fears were confirmed on the first day of Pre-school.

Caleb will be going to morning Pre-school before kindergarten and on the first day his teacher met with me. "Caleb had a very hard day today". Now, as a teacher myself, I definitely read between the lines on that one. After getting the specifics I was so angry I could barely look at him. I knew I had to get him home and away from me before I said things I would regret. Later that evening, after he had been sent to bed early, had no dessert after dinner, done chores without Owen's help and been spanked by me for disobeying his teacher repeatedly I sat down with Mark and asked "What have I done to make him turn out this way? He is always worse after being with me all the time. I have done this."

I didn't rant for long. That's not my nature. I did talk long and hard about Caleb with Mark and we spoke about a lot of good things. I am still praying daily for him and daily for me. That I will be strong enough to be the kind of mom he needs me to be. Strong enough to handle it if he's the worst kid in his class and help him change. Strong enough to love him willingly even when no one else will.

So far, Kindergarten has been good. He has received a stamp on the hand every day for good behavior and I know that if anyone can handle him and teach him how to handle and control his moodiness it will be his kindergarten teacher. She is someone I have admired for years and if I am ever half the teacher she is then I will be doing well indeed.

This son of mine. I tell you what. I haven't had any grays hairs yet but I sense some coming!