How? Part 3 and 4 and 5 and ...

I had thought to write about how I got duped into becoming one of "them". One of those hunter types. I wanted to explain how I slowly morphed into a person who used phrases like:

"I've got'em in my sights!"

"Look at the rack on that one!"

"So there I was..."

As I sat and thought about each and every hunting trip that I have been on, I came to the realization that they all had a common theme or lesson if you will. It was simple:

I was not meant to be a hunter.

Journey with me.

Year 1 of Blissful Married Life - I was coerced into applying for a doe hunt. Mark and his parents tricked me by saying it was a "party" hunt. I was picturing drinks and dancing but instead I learned we all got to shoot a deer. Well, on that fateful day, I found out that I liked shooting deer so much that I ended up shooting two. I filled Mark's tag and mine. Oops!

Elk Hunt #1 - In a show of wifey support, I decided to go with Mark and his Dad on an elk hunt. Mark and I had slept in the back of the truck and he had gotten up a little bit earlier than me. When he hopped back into the bed of the truck he was just standing there looking around and not paying attention to me. I took matters into my hands, literally. I reached up with one hand and squeezed his package (Hey! We were newlyweds!). No big deal, right. Well, Mark looks down at me and says "My Dad just saw that". Can people really die of mortification?

Same Elk Hunt - Mark is bow hunting for elk and as we were walking through the forest, he pauses and asks "Can you hear that?". I listen for all I'm worth and come up with nothing. He tells me "It's a bear. Let's stalk it". A BEAR! I don't think so! As Mark cautiously starts to walk in the direction of the noise, I start to search frantically for sticks and branches on the ground. Then when I spy one, I quickly step on it until it breaks with a loud SNAP. I do this a few times before Mark catches on. He was being patient because he was attributing my loudness with my clumsiness but after 10 snaps in a row, he finally figured it out. Needless to say, I scared the bear away. Ha!Ha! I ain't afraid of no bear!

Elk Hunt #2 - This one really paints me in a bad light. Mark and I went elk hunting. Again. (We did not have children yet so I had lots of spare time). Mark went out hunting in the morning and since it had snowed, I chose to stay inside the nice, cozy tent and read a book. Mark came back all excited because, of course, he had shot an animal. Figures, the one time I don't go with him, there's finally some action. Anyway, he asks if I'll help him pack it out. Sure, I say, not having a clue what that really means. We start hiking out to the spot and as we get closer and closer to a ravine, I think to ask him where exactly he had shot this elk. "Just at the bottom of this hill." You have got to be kidding me. This is the Grand Canyon's cousin. This is not a hill. I suck it up and we travel to the bottom (practically on our bottoms) and find the elk. Mark proceeds to debone it and gut it. I actually help with this part and I am only slightly appalled to see the steam rising into the air as we opened up the body cavity. Mark, showing off, starts to name all the different organs and even points out the "poop shoot". Seriously, can we get a move on here. It's cold and creepy. Girls would never show that kind of thing. Girls would never put a scrotum on their gear shaft either. Just a point.

Anyway, Mark starts to debone the animal and get all the meat which he puts into game bags. It is starting to get cold and I, being the paranoid one, am envisioning predators scenting the meat and coming around to find it. I am watching the woods and telling Mark to hurry up. Finally, when I've asked for the 482nd time, "Are you done yet?" He tells me that he is almost done with the meat but he wants the antlers. It is freezing, predators are hunting for us, ticks are starting to swarm and he wants the antlers? Okay. I try to breath through my nose but I can feel my normally sane self starting to leave and my alter ego - Crazy Woman - come in ready to do battle. I grab a spare pocket knife from Mark and I take matters into my own hands. Those antlers were standing in the way of my getting back to hunting camp and warmth and safety! I started to hack at the neck of that poor elk and before I knew it, I had somehow managed to cut it's whole head off. Mark looked at me with a whole new level of respect. Crazy Woman then growled at him and said she was heading back to camp with or without him. That's when I turned into a pack mule. Mark said he wanted the meat, the rifle (he wouldn't leave that at hunting camp), and the antlers all to go back to camp in one trip. I got stuck with one game bag of meat, one rifle and one elk head with antlers. Mark packed 3 bags of meat. We crawled out of the ravine and I tried to leave the head. Mark wouldn't let me, so I had to leave the meat. (He left one bag also and came back for them on his own.) It was a long walk back to camp. I had boosted the elk head onto my back and was holding onto it with an antler in each hand. I was also carrying the rifle slung across my shoulder. Crazy Woman was still in control and she was able to not shriek about the thought of ticks. It was one long walk back to camp. I have not offered to help pack out any more animals.

Doe Hunt #2 - I have a scary cow story to tell here but I am getting tired.

Doe Hunt #3 - Owen was 3 months old and our babysitter had canceled at the last minute and so Mark was stuck at home with the kids. His parents and I went out hunting instead. To make a long story short I'll just skip to the highlights. I was a nursing mother of a very hungry baby. By the end of the day, I was the one ready to be shot. By the time I made it home (after shooting my doe with 1 shot while it was running at 200 yards away. You may call me Eagle Eye or Bad A - you choose) my breasts were so full that I could have bounced quarters off them. Owen nearly drowned.

Doe Hunt #4 - This story is unwritten because it actually doesn't happen until tomorrow. I am taking the boys (all 3 of them) with me and we will see what adventures await us. I will also have my camera so be prepared!