Forever 7

James and Adam (1995)

These are 2 of my baby brothers and today is the anniversary of when I lost them both. 11 years ago my brother Adam woke up and thought he heard an intruder. He went into my parent's room and got the gun. My brother James was asleep on the floor and when the gun accidentally went off, he was shot and killed.

The anniversary always catches me off guard but it slowly seeps into my subconscious as Feb. rolls around.

The last Valentine's Day as a family where James and my mom made cupcakes.

James carrying around my college books because he wanted to be just like me.

The phone call in the morning to let me know what had happened.


Those memories start to return to haunt me at night when I can't sleep. My chest will start to burn as I try not to sob but the tears will still silently slide down my face onto my pillow. I don't like to remember this day because even after all these years it still hurts so much. But is is good to remember because I also reflect on the many more happy memories:


Carrying James out of my bed when he had fallen asleep in it (he often did that), his sweaty body heavy in my arms.

Throwing rocks in the river, seeing who could make the biggest splash.

Just living life with the innocence of never having lost something precious.


Losing James changed a lot of things in my life. Life turned into befores and afters. Before, I didn't ever want to have children because I grew up always watching my brothers. After, all I wanted was a little boy of my own. Before, I took every day for granted. After, I make sure that those I love, know it.


It was through my brother's death that I found life. Heaven became a place that I had to get into. In my search for the way there, I met Mark and he led me.


God has a plan for all of us and while I miss my brother very, very much, I know that I will see him again and that his death is what has given me a chance to do so.